I am still in the process of accepting my newly (well not really new) idea that I’m an Aspie. I’ve always been different, always been on the outside looking in and I’ve always thought I was missing something others had. Like everyone was given a manual on how to be a girl except me.
I always toyed with the idea but I felt like I got by well enough not to really qualify or identify as Autistic, then when “K” came to live with us Autism became my new special interest. I needed to know everything I could about Autism in girls, toddlers and people who were non verbal, I spent months poring over information to the point that I failed that semester’s classes(that should have been a clue). What caught my attention most was the information on sensory processing disorder, there were so many things that made me stop and go “Huh…maybe”. I should say that I knew a little bit more than the average person going into all of this. I have 3 cousins on various ends of the spectrum, 1 with a textbook mainstream media type of Aspergers, 1 with a less recognizable but still there High functioning form of Autism and then 1 who was classified as PDD-NOS but really met all the criteria for Classic. Only my cousin with Classic Autism has sensory issues and they are so extreme that I never made the connection between what was happening to me and his issues. So at very least, after all the research for “K”, I thought maybe I just had SPD.
Fast forward a few years, I start researching HFA and Aspergers in women because of something dealing with the custody case. I found Rudy Simone’s website with 2 charts depicting traits in women. I was crying by the time I finished reading the last chart. I fit almost every single trait she listed. I felt like the room was spinning and I had to get up and pace (really I no one in my family noticed?). When I was done I sat back and decided to look up more information, that was 3 months ago and I haven’t been able to deviate away from it. I have this need for information, for answers and I can’t stop. The last 2 days have been the worst. I spent all day yesterday, aside from tending to the children, reading blogs, articles…anything I could find. I paid for it though… by 5:30pm I was overloaded. My son threw his dinner plate on the floor and it made this loud clang and I was DONE. Thankfully “O” got home not too much later, sent me upstairs and took care of the kid’s baths and put them to bed. I didn’t stop though… I was suppose to go upstairs to recharge but instead I took the laptop up there and kept reading until 11:30, then “O” came upstairs and asked me to do squats and leg lifts with him. I couldn’t sleep, I felt disconnected from body but too connected all at the same. I wanted to get up a run 6 miles ( I can’t run 6 miles), my whole body felt prickly and my mind was racing. This was my fault, I spent all day sitting in front of a computer overloading on information I had to pay the cost. I think I finally fell asleep sometime around 5 but I had to be up at 7:00 this morning to get “K” ready for the bus.
I really need to try and clean today and not sit here. It’s already mid day and I haven’t done anything, I really need to get up and move if I’m going to sleep tonight. “Keeping House SUCKS”. I can clean but “O” does all the organizing and folding, I can’t do it or rather I can but it takes a lot out of me, I get grouchy and it never looks as good as his finished product anyway. There is so much I want to say but I really need to pace myself.
*Sorry for any typos or grammatical errors* Proofreading doesn’t work for me, I see what I’ve memorized when I was typing, not what’s actually there. It’s a painstaking process and this blog is suppose to help me not cause more stress. (actually I might come back a few hours later and read through but it still wont be perfect)
Rudy Simone’s website where I found the female traits