Still at the beginning and not being able to walk away.

I am still in the process of accepting my newly (well not really new) idea that I’m an Aspie. I’ve always been different, always been on the outside looking in and I’ve always thought I was missing something others had. Like everyone was given a manual on how to be a girl except me. 

I always toyed with the idea but I felt like I got by well enough not to really qualify or identify as Autistic, then when “K” came to live with us Autism became my new special interest. I needed to know everything I could about Autism in girls, toddlers and people who were non verbal, I spent months poring over information to the point that I failed that semester’s classes(that should have been a clue). What caught my attention most was the information on sensory processing disorder, there were so many things that made me stop and go “Huh…maybe”. I should say that I knew a little bit more than the average person going into all of this. I have 3 cousins on various ends of the spectrum, 1 with a textbook mainstream media type of Aspergers, 1 with a less recognizable but still there High functioning form of Autism and then 1 who was classified as PDD-NOS but really met all the criteria for Classic. Only my cousin with Classic Autism has sensory issues and they are so extreme that I never made the connection between what was happening to me and his issues. So at very least, after all the research for “K”, I thought maybe I just had SPD. 

Fast forward a few years, I start researching HFA and Aspergers in women because of something dealing with the custody case. I found Rudy Simone’s website with 2 charts depicting traits in women. I was crying by the time I finished reading the last chart. I fit almost every single trait she listed. I felt like the room was spinning and I had to get up and pace (really I no one in my family noticed?). When I was done I sat back and decided to look up more information, that was 3 months ago and I haven’t been able to deviate away from it. I have this need for information, for answers and I can’t stop. The last 2 days have been the worst. I spent all day yesterday, aside from tending to the children, reading blogs, articles…anything I could find. I paid for it though… by 5:30pm I was overloaded. My son threw his dinner plate on the floor and it made this loud clang and I was DONE. Thankfully “O” got home not too much later, sent me upstairs and took care of the kid’s baths and put them to bed. I didn’t stop though… I was suppose to go upstairs to recharge but instead I took the laptop up there and kept reading until 11:30, then “O” came upstairs and asked me to do squats and leg lifts with him. I couldn’t sleep, I felt disconnected from body but too connected all at the same. I wanted to get up a run 6 miles ( I can’t run 6 miles), my whole body felt prickly and my mind was racing. This was my fault, I spent all day sitting in front of a computer overloading on information I had to pay the cost. I think I finally fell asleep sometime around 5 but I had to be up at 7:00 this morning to get “K” ready for the bus. 

I really need to try and clean today and not sit here. It’s already mid day and I haven’t done anything, I really need to get up and move if I’m going to sleep tonight. “Keeping House SUCKS”. I can clean but “O” does all the organizing and folding, I can’t do it or rather I can but it takes a lot out of me, I get grouchy and it never looks as good as his finished product anyway. There is so much I want to say but I really need to pace myself. 

*Sorry for any typos or grammatical errors* Proofreading doesn’t work for me, I see what I’ve memorized when I was typing, not what’s actually there. It’s a painstaking process and this blog is suppose to help me not cause more stress. (actually I might come back a few hours later and read through but it still wont be perfect)

Rudy Simone’s website where I found the female traits



7 thoughts on “Still at the beginning and not being able to walk away.

  1. I felt much the way you’ve described feeling when we (my wife and I) first began to think I might be “on the spectrum” earlier this past summer. Since then, I’ve gone through binges where I’m trying to read and learn and think and evaluate… where I stay up all night long hopping from blog to blog to blog, and now that my own diagnosis is confirmed, there have certainly been the “why did nobody notice?” moments for me as well. If you haven’t found her blog, Cynthia Kim has an incredible array of information at her blog I found her series on adult diagnosis to be just the sort of guide that enabled me to learn, process, grieve, and move on, not necessarily smoothly, but at least in some logical order…

    Good luck, and welcome to the (autistic) blogging community!

    • Thank you for the welcome and the suggestion. I really identified with her section on motherhood, I thought after my son was born that I had postpartum depression but after reading that, it makes me think that I was just incredibly overstimulated by his crying and constant physical need for me.

  2. I can relate to your post. As a woman who was diagnosed in her mid-30s just months before my daughter’s diagnosis – I never really considered the possibility that I could have Aspergers … after all I knew people with Aspergers (all male) and I was NOT like them! … I had an extremely up and down fortnight after my own diagnosis, overwhelming relief mixed with sadness and resentment and some grieving for who I wasn’t anymore? … but more than a year down the track – I now quite confidently ‘own’ my Aspie diagnosis – while it is NOT all roses – it makes me who I am the good bits and the bad – and I wouldn’t attempt to get rid of my AS even if I could … because then I wouldn’t be me! 🙂

    • I hope I can own it soon. I’m still in the information collecting and acceptance stage. I suspect soon I might hit a wave of depression simply because I always there was “something” I could to be like everyone else.

  3. I just wrote a whole reply and then accidentally deleted it. Anyways I was TRYING to say I saw that same chart when someone posted it on Facebook a while ago, and I got so excited because so much of it described me! I printed it out to show my family members! They were like, “Uh, okay.” What would we do without the Internet… it is so nice to be able to hear from other people who are going through similar things, instead of feeling like I’m the oddest one in the world! Your paragraph “I’ve always been different, always been on the outside looking in and I’ve always thought I was missing something others had. Like everyone was given a manual on how to be a girl except me.” really rings true to me.

    • The internet definitely helps to validate the feelings of many. I tried to talk to my mother about this before but unfortunately she took it as an insult to her parenting and shut down the topic. I tried to broach the subject with her years ago before I saw the chart because I was always different but I got the cliche “You’re too smart to be Autistic” or “You just have to stop being a baby and get out there”.

  4. Information bingeing! Exactly what I did when I first discovered the enormous amount of blogs written by other autistic adults. Staying up all night reading, overloading on knowledge… It was a really rough time, I couldn’t really function normally anymore, all I could do was read read read, and process. But it gets better after a while. It does serve a purpose. Be kind to yourself, that’s all the advice I can give you. It’s not your fault for being the way you are. The bingeing can seem like this uncontrollable force, this need, and you may feel like a failure for being unable to stop, but it’s not your fault. It’s actually a really efficient and thorough way of gathering information that other people might take years to collect and process. It’s you being awesome.

    It will get better. Good luck and *hugs* from a virtual random internet stranger. 🙂

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