Memories

Sometimes I really hate having such vivid memories, it’s like being trapped in a theater playing all the worst moments of your life and not being able to shut your eyes.

I’m stuck in a replay of a bad time in my life. It was a few months after giving birth to my son, my hormones were all over the place, “K” still hadn’t started school and was going through a really rough patch in behavior mainly due to undiagnosed and untreated seizures, and I was completely screwed up sensory wise. All of this made for a very unstable person, I was miserable. “O” and I now have a great relationship but around that time it was almost all but over. He retreated from the chaos by seeking out something familiar and comforting, an ex.

Their conversations never really crossed the line of inappropriate but I felt myself losing him, he spent more and more time talking to her and it was what I felt, a betrayal. I needed him and instead he was giving her comfort for the turmoil in her life. I had never felt so alone in my entire life. That was a year ago and he has done everything he can to make amends but something triggers my memories and they start playing. I can see and feel everything so clearly, like it’s happening now. This happens with almost every memory, it’s a full color and motion vision. I hate it sometimes. 

Today I’m stuck there in that time. Now, I understand why they say never to betray an Aspie. 

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3 thoughts on “Memories

  1. Was just talking about that earlier today with another autistic person. The visual memories I have. Almost like reliving it, like you say. Including tastes, smells, sounds, everything. Pain. Whoever said people can’t remember pain was full of it.

  2. Thank you for following my blog – I will be reading yours, too. I love your perspective and honesty. My blog is therapy for me, too. I imagine your ability to “see” memories so clearly, as though it had just happened, must be sometimes a blessing and sometimes a curse. Thank you for finding me.

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